This is a simple three-step approach to counseling. This is a process to use those who come to you for help with a problem or wants to discuss something. It is for the 'normal neurotics just like me and you" but not intended for dealing with patients suffering from serious mental conditions.
It is not a way to give advice (a common mistake for any counseling approach). If you adhere to this strategy, you'll do no harm and will likely do a lot of good.
Stage One: Listening
Listening involves understanding the content and the emotions that accompany it.
Cerebral understanding is not enough.
Never make a statement that determines the problem or other person's feelings. Ask instead. Don't say, "You're feeling . . . " but instead, "Are you feeling . . ? ". It's not, "The issue is . . ." But instead, "You think the problem is . . ." " or "The way you see it is . . . ". At this stage it may be enough to just say "uh-huh" or nod your head.
The stage is over when the person begins talking about the causes of the issue. You'll know you've achieved success when you receive the agreement of the root of the problem and the feeling behind it.
Stage Two: Exploratory Listening
When the person talking to you feels heard they'll then move onto more profound things. In this moment, you are able to begin to ask questions. You can ask if they've ever experienced this before; What have they tried to do in similar situations - whether or not it worked If there are any additional thoughts or feelings that are going on for them. If you can clearly see something provide observations about what you see. For example, "You seem happy/sad/angry . . ." and etc. Even here it is probably more Amanda Smith appropriate to ask questions instead of making an assertion.
The critical issue at this point is to stay connected to their feelings in the way they are feeling them.
If you're unable to handle this, tell them; don't fake it. It could be something like, "Sorry, I can't handle this right now." They'll appreciate it more than pretending (and they'll be able to tell if you are just pretending).
This phase is finished when the issue is seen differently and a different perspective is achieved.
Stage Three: Trying Different Things
Once they see things differently they will begin to approach things differently, or at the very least, plan to.
The temptation for anyone who comes to you with a concern is to rush to this stage right away. This is not a good idea. What is needed is the opportunity to look into what's happening and then to view it in a new way.
At this point, you are able to offer suggestions on what has worked for you.
Don't get trapped into playing "Yes, but . . . ".
If they provide reasons as to the reason why your suggestions don't work, don't argue. Instead, ask what they tried, the reason it did not work, and how they could try differently this time.
You might want to make arrangements that they can check in with you so that they monitor the progress they make in their new method of working.
This phase is over when they attempt to demonstrate the new behavior with you, or when they've got an idea of the new behavior they would like to try with others.
This process is almost entirely about listening.
The other person always knows more about their own situation than you do.
Don't give any advice on what people should do. In the final stage, you might want to share your experiences if you have dealt with a similar issue yourself.
With a bit of practice, you'll become quite proficient fast at this skill. You could end up becoming one of those people who people seek advice'. As long as you do follow this method, and don't offer suggestions, you'll do great work and assist numerous people.